I have had the opportunity to experience fear over the past two weeks. Not the "horror movie" kind. That is easy to find. Not the "I messed up at work" kind. That will pass. No, this is the unknown fear. The one with unfamiliar textures and colors. The kind that you feel should be a part of you and therefore have a "known" entity, but instead dances around you, nags at you, but won't provide answers.
I read when people have a scare in their life, that they "know." That they can feel what the outcome will be. A peace. A sense of calm, of knowing their own body. Of having the answers from within. But I dont have that. As the day approaches, I feel nothing except numb. I feel no impending doom. I feel no peaceful comfort. And I wonder why my body is not communicating me. Not allowing me to use the fear for answers.
Im not sure I've felt anything but numb. Days went by with my brain struggling to find something positive. But I cant find it, that positive place I always find. A second medical blow did nothing to blast me from this cave my brain has chosen to hide in.
So I have had a chance to learn something about me. I learned that I cant always meet challenges head on. I learned that sometimes I CANT control my reactions. That if I can't meet the fear and get to know it, I can't compartmentalize it. This has not been any easy lesson for me, one who can always place a name and reason on emotions, defining them and therefore being in control.
Fear is a complex emotion...
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