Fear

"I don't think you have time to waste not writing because you are afraid 

you won't be good enough at it..."

 ~ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

This quote struck a chord with me.  So much so that it is printed on a colorful card and hanging above my desk as a constant reminder.

I don't think anything has frightened me as much as writing - well maybe the first day of teaching, but that was over in one day.

this is with me, in me.

When I first picked up pen and began to really flow from within, it seemed easy.  Fun even.  Then reality set in.  This isn't easy.  It isn't always fun, and it is always scary.  

I admire those who can dig deep in and pull emotion.  Those who pour out anger, fear, sex, hurts - how do they do it?  People will read it.  Their families will know they have bad thoughts, aren't always "good", are a sexual being in full detail, still remember those things that scarred, and shaped, their life.

I wish I could lift the fear.  I wish I could write fiction about a mom without my own being sure it is about her. I wish I could grab on to those hurtful experiences as a girl, pull them to the surface, using them to make words before they slide away.

Because of these things, I don't know why I worry about not writing because I'm not good enough.  Because right now I'm not writing because I am afraid of disappointing those around me, of hurting them, of hurting me...